Would you like a drink?
by Bludger1
Summary: Tony hates meditation, Bruce hates Tony's moaning but suspects something is up when his highly active friend drops by for green tea and knee pain. Tony has a job that needs doing in Maine and Bruce is perfect helper, willing or unwilling. Bruce is nervous but this being Tony he agrees to help, little doe's he known that lending a hand might end there friendship in blood and iron.


A one shot I did of Bruce and Tony Stark, just a fun adventure for the science bros. I know theres a lot of errors but I just needed to publish something after a long dry spell. Ill correct these soon. Btw if you enjoy good writing, which being on my story you must, check out u/1156945/Muffliato.

I don't own Marvel but if I did you can bet there'd be a hulk movie before 2016 :)

"This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid".

"Tony I told you if you don't want to mediate go downstairs".

It was early morning in New York City and for once peace and humanity weren't looking down the gun barrel of an interplanetary tyrant or some junked up mad man. Sunlight tickled the wide windows of the metropolis and inside one 'big, ugly' tower two friends sat cross legged trying to figure out why the other was doing this.

Tony shifted out the lotus position into the achy billionaire pose. There was a dull ache in his knees and the smell of his own socks was distracting him more than they should.

"No Pepper wants me to achieve Nirvana seems to think it'll balance me out and besides I enjoy the Pyjamas".

"Well then we need to..."

"I need your help" said Tony suddenly serious.

Bruce opened his eyes all thoughts of inner clarity abandoned. So this is why Tony Stark had visited his Manhattan monastery. He'd grown use to Tony's sudden asking for help, besides he needed a quick nap.

"I'm not that kind of doctor"

"No not with my tragic yet let's be honest gripping past, the only problem, well not really a problem, is I can't tell you what it is"

Bruce sighed and unfolded himself.

"So you want me to help with something without knowing of what it is?"

Tony looked distracted.

"See told Pepper you'd understand".

Bruce walked forward one eyebrow raised; the muscles in that one eyebrow had bulked up since moving in with Tony.

"Tony whatever it is I'll help, after all you've given me this" he guestred round at the large well-furnished penthouse.

"Without you I'd still be sleeping under a bus in Canada"

Tony wasn't meeting his eyes. Instead he fidgeted with a paperweight on Bruce's desk.

"I heard Canadian truck stops have surprising back support but still if I tell you what it is it sort of defeats the purpose so Dummy come in here please".

The two metallic doors slid open and in slid the recently repaired robotic arm clutching a leather bound folder.

The machine looked well repaired but it still posed the wires quite crossed air that made it more c3po then Jarvis.

"Now my legal department right before quitting told me what I'm about to do is legally suspect everywhere expect Latveria so I'm gonna ask you to sign here and at the bottom there" said Tony opening the folder and presenting to the startled Bruce a whirlpool of legal jargon.

"A liability forum?"

Tony began to pace.

"Yeah to cover any accidents, liabilities, personal claims, intergalactic invasions that may occur during your time, nothing too complicated standard forum we beat bad guys forum, don't read the small print".

Bruce flicked through some of the pages.

"Tony the last time I signed anything this long I was on an army base are you sure..."

"Bruce would I honestly ask you to sign anything ridiculous?"

Bruce thought for a second.

"You asked me to sigh a forum saying you could call me the jolly green giant?"

"Well that's a corporate logo I was just avoiding a potentially bitter corporate lawsuit".

Bruce sighed and after a brief pause put his John Hancock on the dotted line.

Instantly dummy snatched it out of his arms and skidded at great speed into the wall.

Tony righted him and he went out through the star trek doors.

"Tony listen this isn't anything to do with .S.H.E.I.L.D. is it?"

Tony looked up and grinned. "Bruce this is one friend helping out another".

With that he left Bruce to continue his spiritual quest.

Hawkeye crept ironically cat like through the Guatemalan jungle. The heat suffocated him crouching round in a way to make the air heavy and breathing a chore. Flies the size of quarters stun and bit every inch of skin they could attack, dam why hadn't he opted for a form fitting costume. The undergrowth jutted at odd angles, tree roots that had tripped conquistadors tried to snag him as he moved closer the only disturbance he created being the moving of the odd fern leaf. Somewhere to his distance a parrot unknown to science cawed and chirped the only soprano jarring in the jungles misty tenor.

Sweat was beading on his brow and had begun to run into his eyes. He didn't blink part of training had been to resist the sting of salt, the basic need to clear ones vision and restore normality. His hands were dry and he could feel his usually controlled heart rate beginning a slow Hillaryesque climb that he had to stifle. The sound, the heat, the air seemed to be closing in on him.

He'd walked fifteen clicks to this position and as he edged closer he heard what his ear had been straining for. Spanish verbs and syablles dance in the shimmering heat and Hawkeye hit the dirt with no more noise than a leaf in fall.

His body clutching mother earth he reached into a pocket to with draw a small scanning device. Mottled brown for camouflage not even would have noticed its tiny sensor poking through the thick fern that hid the patience hunter. The sensor clicked its completion and Hawkeye saw from its screen that four heat signatures lay in the valley ahead. Two stood off to either side of the others, guards he wagered whilst the central shapes moved. Esquala and his final lieutenant. Torro Esquala was the largest person smuggler in Guatemala. Under his eyes fifty thousand South Americans had been shipped north on sugar packet prices driven by a Pepsi fuelled dream. Many were packed on the roofs of trains or in the backs of jeeps, in one case they clung like Odysseus to the bellies of mules. Most didn't get past Mexico many, some said the lucky ones were taken out into the Guatemalan jungle and shot, they had invested all they had their money, there trust, their lives in this one man and Esquala had simply ended them in the heat and the sweat.

Hawkeye had spent months bringing him down, he had cut out most of the lieutenants, Esquala's inner circle. Fitter all when cutting down a tree you don't start with the branches. Hawkeye had been strong on his instance that Esquala would have no successor, kill Esquala whilst his supporters still lived and all you got was a power struggle with someone even more ruthless being forged in the fires of in fighting. Hawkeye had made sure no one would take over Esquala's operation even going as far to target Esquala's twelve year old son and potential princeling. Hawkeye hadn't sent an arrow through the kid's window he'd simply sat him down at the boarding school he attended disguised as a parish priest and asked him if he'd ever thought about a career in the service of god. After three months and a friendship forming between the kind priest and the young though very lonely Esquala he had agreed that the faith was a good place for him and had begun his training to enter the clergy, Hawkeye would watch him closely and ensure the boy stayed on the path to legality.

Now after six months of squatting in jungles, tracking down machete wielders to truck stops, killing countless banditos and vermin he was ready to complete his ninth symphony. He needed to see him. He had seen the face on hundreds of profile, satellite and press pictures but before he took the shot he wanted to see the panic in the bastard's eyes.

Hawkeye edged forward and moved a leaf ever so slightly. They were seventy fife feet away give or take and Esquala was raging. He was just as pictured, a stocky hairy man with a bristle of moustache dressed in canvas and khakis. The man with him in the clearing, a lowly lieutant who'd clearly just given Esquala some bad news, Hawkeye guessed which (he'd the previous evening stabbed Esquala's second in command in a hotel restroom), and Esquala was panicking. He screamed at the liuentant throwing a hundred curses on his mother and his donkey brained ancestors. In a feat of soap opera esque rage he threw his hat to the ground and screamed at his guard to shot the man, as if murdering this pawn would return a rook. Hawkeye begaun to make his move Unlathcing his bow he drew one large headed arrow from his quiver. The arrow weighed about ten pounds, very heavy for a projectile, but it contained an expolsive payload that would kill Esquala and injury his protection thus allowing Hawkeye a clear untrouabled escape. The arrow felt unbalanced in his hands but Hawkeye had shot dunbells from his bow with pin point acruarcy this was simple. He hitched the arrow and took aim on Esqualas sweaty red face.

'Right you hairy knuckled bastard time to do to you what I tried to do to Loki' he thought.

The leutnat who was about to meet St. peter was on his knees begging Esquala for mercy that he must of known wasn't there. The guard had rasied his kalasnikov and was readying the sight.

It was now or never, the perfect moment Esquala was reviling in his last remants of power. Hawkeye could stirp him of even this pleasure a final sweet venagnce. The string was taught, no obstacles, no wind, the shot perfect.

"YOUV'E BEEN THUDERSTUCK" screamed ACDC from his pocket.

Hawkeye blinked.

Those in the clearing had heard the ringtone and now turned with incrediable dexterity to Hawkeys postion. Kalsnikovs lifted Esquala thumbled for a gold plated pistol on his side. Hawkeye didn't even try to turn it off.

"Dam it". Oh well better now than in another six sweaty months. He let go of the string just as the first trigger was pulled. Bullets raced towards his position.

Arrow passed bullets as both cut through the molecules to arrive at their targets. The bullets fired at an unseen ringtone would settle like owls in trees or burrow into plants but the arrow fired by Olympic marksmen sailed on its path as if destiny, fate and the universe had given it special commendation. Physics didn't apply here the arrow just swept forward at un real head, the heavy weight of its payload seemingly vanished. It twisted dancing all to the guitar rifts of Australia's most famous rock group.

Eventually the arrow ended its aerial ballet. It smashed into Esquala's stomach before after a brief moment exploding. Esquala was now no more a threat to the South American dream chasers then white rice and his guards were now laying uncounicous around the blast mark that had once been one of Gutealmas oligarchs.

Hawkeye let his breath go and grinned. For a second he sat and reviled in it, the success the final chapter. It was the feeling one gets after inserting the final Lego brick in a particularly troublesome model, it's just that this brick was inserted at one hundred miles an hour into a people smuggler. In his revelry he remembered why he had been so tense and turned his attention to the ringtone.

He swore he'd changed it, swore he'd deleted the number, was certain he hadn't packed this phone. But still it rang and Hawkeye certain of it was answered, resigned to the fact that if he didn't it would mean having to see him face to face.

"Hey Legolas, busy?"

Hawkeye sighed.

"Well actually Tony..."

"Good, I need your help with a little project I'm working on can I ask you to meet me next Tuesday in Maine?"

"Directing Stephan King homage?"

"No doing science stuff you wouldn't understand being from the fourteen hundreds, are you free?"

Hawkeye checked his in phone calendar. He wasn't sure why he knew he was booked for next six months, assassinations, coups, pottery class.

He scrolled through the thousand dollar phone and found that where his online ledger had previously been filled with bookings the Tuesday was now free but for a picture of a lol cat.

"Well as I'm sure you know I'm now free, what do you need?"

"Simple Robin Hood, protection".

Private jets were cool Bruce had decided. It was not a very original observation nor was it anywhere near as insightful as his "gamma radiation and its effects on Twinkies" paper but it was true.

He was aboard the Stark jet four flying from New York to Maine. It had started with a phone call he'd reviced from Tony in the lab an hour before.

Bruce had been about to test the effect on amino acids of compound gamma rays when at the crucial moment his phone started ringing. Had did he do it.

"Bruce there's a really big bug on my arm and I need you to squish it".

Bruce sighed.

"What do you want Tony?"

"I want a tour of the majestic lobster coast of Maine".

"I can send you a link to a good tour company I found, I squashed one of their tour cars last time I was north".

"No I think you need to be here, your flight leaves in half an hour".

"My flight, wait Tony?"

He'd hung up.

At that moment the labs doors had slide open and a weary eyed man in a black suit had walked in.

"Dr Banner, Mr Stark said you needed a lift to the Stark jet?"

"But…my work…fine".

Bruce took off his lab coat and unhooked his goggles, he wore them entirely for pretence of course and because he felt like a giant fly when wearing them.

"Wait Stark Jet?"

The man smiled.

"Be grateful sir Mr Stark had wanted to call it Iron glory luckily Mrs Stark is a good influence on him".

Bruce walked with his driver out of the gamma lab nodding at Peppers wisdom.

Now he was fifteen minutes off landing at some airstrip in South West Maine still ignorant of the reason for this trip to the north east.

A male flight attendant in a conservative uniform asked if he would like a drink before landing.

Pepper was clearly puppet master in the aircrafts staffing arrangements.

"No thank, do have any idea why Tony has us going here?"

"Sorry sir I haven't really talked to Mr Stark about anything".

"Well if I don't come back from this trip can you do something for me?"

The flight attendant looked surprised.

"Yes sir".

"Tell my test tubes goodbye".

The flight attendant laughed and walked towards the back of the plane.

The flight landed smoothly on a literal dirt track. The airport building was a vast sprawling complex; it just so happened that complex was a pig pen.

Bruce surveyed the field they had landed in and took a deep breath of the cool air.

"So this is where Tony spends his free time?"

Walking down the small stairs to the dirt he spotted a black Mercedes driving up past the pig pen. It parked a few feet in front of Bruce.

"Hello sir" came an English accent from the car.

"Jarvis? You're driving now?"

"Well when you posse the capalities to pilot Mr Starks suit, mastering the standard American driving exam is not rocket science".

Bruce shrugged and got into the car after Jarvis had pooped open one of the bullet resistance doors.

He sat in Italian leather clouds and automatically a seat belt slid across him.

"Where are we going?"

"Mr Starks personal ranch in this part of the world, it's really a field twelve miles south of here, very remote".

"Very remote of course sounds just like Tony".

"Drink sir?"

"Why does everyone in that man's employ offer me a drink?"

"Probably to calm your nerves".

Bruce was jerked back suddenly as the car's engine roared into life and began to bump and rustle over the grassy turf.

Bruce felt every bump of the suspension, and the sharp turns. The windows of the Mercedes were blacked out and a paranoid man would have found this suspicious, being chased for years by the military makes a super-human paranoid. He tried the door and found it locked.

"Jarvis is there anything you're not telling me?"

"When you put it like that, there are hundreds of things I'm not telling you sir".

Bruce was about to start panicking when suddenly he was jerked forward.

"Destination reached sir"

The seatbelt unclicked.

The door popped open with a satisfying click.

"Jarvis I'm worried".

"Mr Stark has that effect on people, good luck sir".

Bruce exited to meet the poverbeable firing squad.

It was surprisingly hot and Bruce squinted in the fading sun light as he emerged in a field not much different from the one the plane had touched down in.

Tuffs of grass and mud spread for a mile before the thick forests that had made Maine rich engulfed the horizon.

Bruce looked left then right but still couldn't see Tony or anything of note.

He did a 360 degree turn. He was about to ask Jarvis to take him back to the airstrip when a familiar noise greeted his ear. The sound of ACDC accompanied by the chorus of thrusters.

Bruce looked up and saw nothing and realised a second too late the sound was coming from…

Mud flew into the sky like a geyser and showered the car and Bruce as a few feet ahead twelve feet of metal sprang from the ground.

It was majestic in a way the giant metal mole slowly rising from the earth fire exploding from its back like a JK Rowling nightmare.

Bruce cleared the dirt from his face and looked up to see the monstrosity land with a slight thud onto the field. Sunlight dazzled off grey steel and Bruce covered his eyes to get a full impression of this latest toy.

Huge and obstructive the suit was one of Tony's biggest. It looked much like his hulk buster suit except there was no glowing disc to indicate an arc reactor. Instead there were two space booster still legs, girder like arms and a now recycling face mask the size of a hub cap.

"Hello Bruce, welcome to Maine".

The huge drills that had cut the earth asunder retreated into mounted writ brackets.

"Tony, what is this?"

"It's my pet project I've been working on it for all of five nights, real long term project?"

Bruce gave it a once over.

"It's big".

"Articulate as always Brucey, yep it's big and it's tough as a Las Vegas Tetris tournament".

"They have those?"

"For billionaire philanthropists".

"So you invited me to Maine to see your latest project?"

"No Bruce I invited you too Maine to test my latest project".

Bruce went white. How could he ask him to do anything close to hulking out, this was too far.

"Tony Stark! I'm not turning into the hulk just so you can get your legs broken!"

Tony grinned.

"Bruce I've run the numbers and I'm 90% sure this will work, that's a 90% improvement over most of my plans".

"Tony the hulk is dangerous even when under my control, his strength is immeasurable, one punch even if I held back could leave you looking like the inside of a hot dog".

Tony thought for a second. To this day it is the longest thought he has ever had.

"Bruce come on we just need to see what this suit can take and I've ran out of conventional tests and unless hell boy gets back to me you're my best bet to test its readiness"

"Forget it Tony I'm not doing this".

He turned round.

"Jarvis take me home" he shouted at the Mercedes.

"Fine then we'll just have to get you angry".

Tony was caught between anger and amusement.

He spun round to the grey giant.

"Tony I've spent five years learning to control and master my anger, learning to keep the beast within contained, slowly wielding the Hulk and I together, do you really think you can get me out of control?"

"Well Bruce I think I've found your Krypto…I mean Adiantium".

Bruce began to walk towards the Mercedes.

"There not making a Hulk sequel till 2016!"

Bruce stopped.

"What?"

"You heard me, they didn't Thor's movie come out after yours?"

"Puny blond man, my movie…. good, my movie…. Deserves…. box office!" roared Bruce Banner.

"Bingo"

Bruce Banner began to turn. His legs broke and reformed, his muscles tore and re tore and then reformed only to be broken again. His skin turned into its familiar green and in a few seconds or so it seemed the towering creature known as the Incredible Hulk stood mere meters from the child of Howard Stark. The turn wasn't painful yet the Hulk felt the pain that only delayed production schedules can bring.

"Hulk smash!"

"Oh boy" said Tony as his mask slid back into place.

A fist the size of a car tire slammed into Tony's chest plate sending him by newton's laws backwards through the air.

The suit flew like a baseball, Tony winded despite the breast plate.

"Jarvis engage hulk propulsion".

Two large rockets ignited on the back of the suit pushing it against the blow, whilst they could not stop Tony's flight they did slow him so that he when he crashed into the tree line he only felt some pain as his suit spun and splintered through ancient pines like the logging industries secret weapon.

He was half a mile into the forest before he stopped landing in a large canopy of rotting lumber.

"Jarvis…status report".

"Front plate heavily damaged sir".

"Fuel cells?"

"Undamaged"

Tony beamed at the face plate.

He forced the suit to its feet.

"Right let's see what this 1.5 billion dollar… Jarvis is that my car?"

The Mercedes hurtled down the alleyway cut by his flight path turning in the breeze and was on the descending curve of its arch.

"By estimations the vehicle will soon make…"

"I get it Jarvis, forward propulsion!"

The suits foot boosters engaged throwing it forward, back towards the aerial valet.

"Ok buddy no one destroys my cars in testing but me".

He was back in the field in seconds but there was no Hulk.

"Scan now".

But it was pointless, a fist slammed him forward.

He hit and trenched the dirt.

"Ambushed by the hulk embarrassing" grunted Tony.

The suit turned with surprising speed.

Stalking towards him was the hulk mouth gritted in fury a fist lifted to perform quick modifications. His immense form blocked out the sun.

"Smoke screen!"

From a shoulder canister thick smoke burst forth, the hulk charged into it but found himself striking air and one or two tiny mosquitoes as he wildly flailed.

As the smoke cleared the beast blinked and then hearing a metallic scraping looked suddenly right.

The suit was posed in a spider man like crouch that seemed too delicate for its bulkiness and one arm was stretched out in front as if aiming something.

"Welcome to the dance"

The hulk grunted and ran at him. Mouth opens screaming for the forest.

"Fire the kraken arms!"

Out of the wrist emerged seven long steel tentacles which shot forward at huge speeds past the hulk who ignored them as missed projectiles and as the beast charged forward they latched onto thick pines behind him.

"Forward!" commanded Tony.

The cables pulled him forward as if rescuing him from a storm and his out stretched fist cut the wind resistance until it met hulk stomach. Tony could feel the strength in his wrist.

The force was such that both suit and hulk flew forward for a few meters before hulk reached out a huge arm grabbed three of the 'tentacles' and pulled them sharply towards him.

"Flight path altered sir" croaked Jarvis as the tentacles came lose and both Hulk and suit tumbled into the dirt like a cosmic pig snout.

"Call my chiropractor after this, tell him… "

A fist slammed into Tony's shoulder tearing through the armour. Tony could feel the breeze through the exposure.

"Jarvis Flight".

The suit engaged its propulsion system and rose a foot but the hulk slammed them both back into the ground with a grunt.

Warning sighs flared on Tony's screen. The hulk tore a breast plate away, a child on Christmas morning.

"Jarvis drills!"

The drills slid from there wrist mounts and flared into action Tony flung the left one into the Hulks face.

The hulk didn't flinch; taking the drill straight into the fore head the beast grabbed hold of the spinning drill and crushed it like a sprite can in a hulk fist.

Tony brought up the other drill which the hulk tore away along with the suits lower arm.

Lifting the arm like a bat the hulk readied to strike.

"Happy new year Jarvis!" screamed Tony.

Out of the wrist mount shout a stream of fire that momentarily forced the hulk back.

"Dam the left propulsion units out, Jarvis back thrusters let's see if taking up joggings had any effect".

So Tony Stark found himself running in a giant suit from the Hulk.

"Jarvis how's the fuel cells?"

"Remarkably undamaged thought the suit..."

"Thank you Jarvis"

A shadow fell across his field of vision.

"Oh no"

The hulk was descending on him like a giant gamma radiated bird of prey. "Emergency evac now Jarvis" screamed Tony as the hulk roared forward.

Tony launched from the suit just as the hulk collided with its back.

It grabbed wildly trying to secure in its huge fists the CEO but despite being knocked off course Tony was still being launched at great speed and he slipped past the rage monster.

He had worn within the suit a smaller emergency suit which now propelled him up and away from the hulk.

"What now sir?" came Jarvis voice as the Hulk tore apart the abandoned suit bellow.

"We wait Jarvis, and when he calms down that's when the real trouble starts".

So Tony levitated as the Hulk roared and wrecked.

Bruce Banner shivered under the blanket.

"Tony that was very stupid".

"I know but it worked!"

Bruce turned to his less angered friend.

"What?"

"The power cells they powered the suit and remained undamaged despite the hulks attack".

"Power cells? Tony you have an arch rector why do you need power cells?"

Tony tapped the metal light bulb.

"This might not always be here but I want to still be able to help people without it so I've trying to develop a tech that could power the suit yet remain stable in high intensity combat".

Bruce nodded to show he was following.

"So I got you mad so you wouldn't go easy on me and well it was a success".

"What if I'd killed you?"

"Well then you'd have to deal with Pepper".

Tony sipped from his water bottle.

"Tony that was still extremely dangerous, what if someone had gotten hurt? Or seen?"

Tony smiled.

"I knew you'd be mad, well less mad, semi-mad so I made a donation to the city of Harlem on your behalf, they sent a rather nice muffin basket to your office but Dummy stole it".

Bruce blinked.

"Tony that was..."

"Well done, yes I know, the whole test had to be done, if I'm to keep doing what I'm doing I need to adapt as fast as my enemies and I do that my experimenting!"

Banner should have argued, should have told him how reckless this was.

"Your right Tony it was a good thing to do."

They smiled and sat in the warmth of scientific endeavour.

"Where is this back up car Tony?"

"Hello".

"Tony why didn't you give the signal you were getting destroyed out there?"

Hawkeye sat on the plane back from Maine, his knock out canister tipped arrows being carefully repacked.

"Oh that, William Tell I was never in any danger".

Hawkeye scowled.

"But then why did you have me fly up to Maine to keep watch over you during the fight with the Hulk?!"

"I just thought you needed something to do, something to feel useful".

"Tony I will…"

"Listen Bullseye I'm going to have to take a rain check on that abuse, ciao"

The dial tone sounded.

Hawkeye seethed, the phone smacked off the opposite wall.

"Would you like a drink sir?"

Hawkeye slowly turned to the nervous attendant who had devolped a talent for dealing with Tony Starks angered employees.

"Yeah anything from Tony's top shelf".


End file.
